Telephone Plans for the Family

"Like you", he said, "I don't own a mobile phone". He insists on using his foreign name for what we call 'cellphone' here.

"I know. But you own an iPod, and I don't", I answered.
"Well, you have a flat screen TV, and I don't", he came back.
"True, but I don't subscribe to cable, like you!", I hit him with my best shot.

Two grown men playing children's games. In reverse.

"Now, if you allow me to finish", he said with a hint of resignation.

My head nodded.

"She wants me to get a mobile phone, to help us communicate, she says", he told me.

"Who, Mona?" , Mona is the name of his latest flame.

"Who else!", he said, "And why do their names all have to start with an 'M' ?"

"Don't complain, we're in the middle of the alphabet now, just right for our ages. We have a long way to go before we reach the 'Z's. Zelda, Zora, Zena, await us in the distant future!", I told him, adding, "So what's the problem, get a damn cellphone, they're as cheap as dirt."

"Not really", he answered, "you have to sign a two year contract."

"Ah, I see", I said, "And you don't think Mona will last that long. Do you want her to last that long? Longer?"

"Mona's wonderful. I'd keep her for the rest of my life in a New York minute. But you know women these days."

At least, he's picked up some of our clichés, like the "New York minute", even if he hasn't learned to use them properly.

"Well, can you tell her about the two year contract?", I was giving impractical advice, as usual, "ask her what she thinks about it vis a vis her commitment? Delicately? Grinning? While she's chewing on a madeleine?"

He gave me That Look, his eyes above the eyeglasses on his nose.

"Commitment, huh?! Shall I remind you of your 'friend for life' ?", he hit back with his best shot this time, inflicting a life threatening wound.

"Well, you did, didn't you!", bleeding now and dying, I attempted one last desperate volley, "Ask her to marry you, and you'll both get a family plan on your cellphones. Problem solved!"

"I ought to..."



In the end, we agreed there are no plans for life, and no friends for life, in this land rich in material goods and poor in human values like genuine affection, friendship and love. We finished our drinks, said 'goodbye' , didn't hug each other like Hollywood celebrities and encounter group participants do, and we returned to our respective homes as friends. For at least a fortnight. For now.